


Homies help Homies

by Inkfowl



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: ""Just friends"", Crack, Edward's an idiot, Friends With Benefits, Happy Ending, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Titles, Idiots in Love, Isabella's a bitch, M/M, Mature rating just to be safe, Oswald's also an idiot, Title from Adventure Time, minor sexual content/implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:07:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25300594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkfowl/pseuds/Inkfowl
Summary: Ed tells his bestest friend that he's had a disagreement with Isabella in the bedroom.  So, being the caring pal that he is, Oswald offers some purely platonic "help".Things spiral from there into a mess that could only be inspired by a particular discord.
Relationships: Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma
Comments: 11
Kudos: 63





	Homies help Homies

**Author's Note:**

> (I also wrote this really fast while really tired so if it seems rushed and ridiculous...that's why it's crack.(and also why there was next to no editing))

Oswald was zoned out on the couch nursing a glass of wine while also listening to a whine. Ed was blathering on about that Isabelle, bella, whoever the hell she was. This had become a routine conversation for them, although  _ conversation _ would imply that they were both talking. It was more like Oswald would drink and drink while Ed would talk and talk.

Oswald prized his friendship with Ed, there was no doubt about that, and he had faith that this dalliance with the Kristen look-alike would eventually end so he could confess his own feelings for Ed. The Penguin had played long-cons before, he became King of Gotham after all, but he would rather be back sniveling under Fish, Falcone, hell even Maroni, instead of listening to  _ this _ .

“And then we got to see them feed the puffins! They were so cute, and Isabella and I kept sharing facts about them the whole time. I never thought I’d  _ learn _ something on a date to the zoo.”

Puffins. Fucking puffins. They’re basically store-brand penguins. Now that’s a fact. Fucking posers. Oswald filled his glass again and started chugging.

“Then we went back to her place, and…” Ed stopped his pacing and sat down on the couch, “and then I kind of messed things up.”

Oswald froze and slowly lowered the glass from his lips. He looked over at Ed, and tried to keep his voice as emotionless as possible. “Oh...no. What, what happened?”

“Oh I don’t...I don’t know if I should get into details.”

“No. Please. Share.” Oswald offered his wine.

Ed took it and drank from the opposite side. “It’s...kind of embarrassing.”

“Edward...you can tell me anything.” Whatever it was it had to be better than hearing about how  _ great _ the relationship was.

“Well,” Ed paused to finish the wine, “it’s about our sex life.”

It was a good thing Oswald had given away the glass because it probably would’ve been crushed in his hand. Thankfully, he was able to ball his hands into fists without being detected. “Mmhm.”

“We were sitting on her bed, kissing and such, you know.” Oswald did not know, and did not  **want** to know, but he let Ed continue. “When I suggested we...we try something new.”

“Mmhm.”

“I asked if we could...try anal this time.” Ed blushed.

Trying to stay neutral, Oswald bit his lip so hard he thought it might bleed. “ **Mmhm** .”

“But she wasn’t comfortable with it, and asked if we could just do it normally.”

“So...did you?”

Ed shook his head. “No, I...I felt too awkward afterwards, and well, now I’m here. Telling you about it.”

“Huh. Well, you shouldn’t feel awkward for asking. Everyone’s allowed to want to try new things.”

“That’s true, and maybe I could ask her again in the future. I’m still curious about what it’d be like.” There was a hint of disappointment in Ed’s features, highlighted by the fire’s glow.

God, Oswald wished he could satisfy that curiosity. He’d let Ed push him onto the couch and fuck him right now if he could. Isabella, that lucky bitch.

“Well I’d-” Oswald hadn’t even realized he’d started to speak, but he closed his mouth right away.

Too late, Ed still heard him and looked over. “What?”

“Hm?”

“You were going to say something?”

Oswald should say ‘no’. He should say ‘no’ and pretend like nothing ever happened instead of saying something stupid. He should, but he didn’t.

“Well...well I...I was going to...suggest that...that maybe…” Damn this was so hard to get out, his brain was probably trying to fight itself. Ugh, and Ed just kept looking at him. “Maybe  _ we _ ...could try it.”

What...the  _ fuck _ did he just say? No. Nope, those words didn’t come out of his mouth. Maybe Ed was staring at him for another reason. The room was just naturally this quiet.

Ed blinked several times. “We... _ could _ ?”

It wasn’t a no! “Uh...yes? If...if you wanted to.”

Ed looked over him with a gaze that made Oswald shiver. “I don’t know. Wouldn’t that be...inappropriate? Like, wouldn’t that be cheating?”

_ Yes. _ “Well...not necessarily. Cheating is more about the feelings involved, but this...this would be more of...an experiment, no feelings necessary.”

“But what if there  _ were _ feelings involved?” Oswald’s heart stopped, but then Ed clarified his question. “I mean, you’re not a robot, you’re my best friend.”

“Oh. Oh yes. About that…” time for more bullshitting, “do you know what ‘friends with benefits’ means?”

“Um, not really. I’ve heard of it.”

“Well, it’s what it sounds like. There are certain  _ benefits _ to us being friends; and as your friend, I’m giving you the benefit of an experience you wouldn’t have otherwise.”

“Oh. Okay. But what benefit do you get in return?”

Getting that sweet, sweet di- “Oh don’t worry about that. My benefit is knowing that I’d be helping you. Just...being a good friend.”

Ed pursed his lips in thought, and Oswald felt sweat down the back of his neck. Finally... “Are you sure it would be alright?”

“Absolutely!” Okay, reign it in. “I mean, what’s the harm in trying it? If you don’t like it, we never have to speak of it again, and if you like it…”

Oswald didn’t know how to finish that sentence, but he didn’t have to because Ed nodded. “Then I’ll know.”

Oswald clapped his hands. “Exactly, then you’ll know!” Know that he’s better than Isabelle, and that Ed can break up with her and be with him.

His overly convenient and unrealistic plot was interrupted by Ed speaking. “Okay.”

“Wait,  **really** ?”

“Like you said, there’s no harm in trying, right?”

“Right, yes!” Oswald smiled, unable to control his excitement, but then he cleared his throat in an attempt to regain his composure. “Um...would you like to do it now, or...?”

“I was assuming it’d be now, but if you-”

“No, no, now is fine. Um...y-your room or mine?”

Ed shrugged. “Doesn’t really matter to me.”

Oswald paused, and then stood up. “My room then?”

“Sure.” Ed stood up too.

Each step felt like a cloud as Oswald walked to his room with Ed in tow. It wasn’t real, it couldn’t be. He must’ve drank too much, passed out, and this was some dream. That would explain how Ed got in his room, why they were both stripped down to their underwear, and why they were laying on his bed.

Edward Nygma...in his  _ bed _ ...about to have  _ sex _ with him. Even if the circumstances weren’t the most romantic, Oswald had butterflies.

They had both been pretty laid back up until this point, but now they both stared at each other like two idiots. Finally, Ed swallowed. “So... I-I’m assuming you’ve done this before?”

Nervous, Oswald blurted everything out. “Yes, yes of course! I’ve done this lots of times! I know exactly what I’m doing! I’ve got enough experience for the both of us!”

Ed, understandably, looked taken aback. “Oh, well that’s-”

Oswald jumped in again. “A-Actually, l-let me clarify that! I didn’t mean  _ lots _ , lots of times. I should’ve said  _ some _ times, really only a  **few** times, but uh…” He shook his head. “You know, the number doesn’t really matter. I’ve got enough experience, but not  _ too _ much.”

That didn’t make any sense, but Ed must not have minded too much because he was still here. “Uh...okay. So, I know the basics, but as long as you know what to do...”

Oswald sighed. “Yes, yes that’s what I was trying to… Yes.”

They were both awkwardly quiet again, and then Ed shifted. “So...how should we start? I’ll let you lead.”

If this were a normal situation Oswald would start by gently caressing Ed’s cheek, planting light kisses all over his face; but that would defeat the purpose of an ‘emotionless experiment’. Instead, he tried to be as casual as possible as he worked through his first time with the love of his life.

It was wrong, but there were times when he’d try to pretend that this was normal. That he and Ed were finally together, and that Isabella never happened. In these moments he would sometimes slip and shout out Ed’s name, or allow himself to feel real pleasure. He wished he knew how Ed felt, but he had nothing to go on except the grunts and moans he heard behind him.

Oswald was panting hard, he was so close, and Ed felt so good. After one hard thrust he was coming. “Ed! Ed I love you! I love you!”

Ed finished seconds later. Then he laid down on the bed. They were both quiet, but it was a cacophony in Oswald's head. Fuck, fuck, shit, fuck. He'd said that he loved Ed. During sex. While Ed still had a girlfriend. This was  **not** how things were supposed to happen! It wasn't like he was very quiet about it either so Ed must've heard him. And now what? How could they go on from here?

Ed broke the silence. “That was...good. That was actually really good.”

Oswald still didn’t dare to look over. “Uh, t-thanks. It-It was good for me too.”

There was another beat or two and then Ed spoke again. “Also, at the end…” oh no, oh no, oh no, “I appreciate the thought, but…” oh no, oh no, oh no, “you didn’t have to imitate Isabella.”

This time Oswald did glance over, baffled. “I...s-sorry?”

“No you’re fine. I remember telling you how Isabella usually says she loves me at...well...nevermind, it just threw me off hearing it in your voice. I get that we did this because she didn’t want to, but you don’t have to act like her for my sake.”

Oswald couldn’t tell if he was relieved or disappointed that Ed thought his confession was all part of an elaborate act. “Oh! Yes, yes I uh... _ also _ remember you telling me that, so I just… Well you know me, always wanting to be dramatic.”

Ed nodded. “I figured as much, but just so you know, you don’t have to do it next time.”

Before Oswald could yell ‘what’, Ed smacked his forehead. “Oh my gosh I’m sorry, that just slipped out! There’s not going to be a next time.”

That last line made Oswald’s heart sink. He knew it was true, but he didn’t want to accept that this was a one time thing. He looked back at the ceiling, he couldn’t stand to see Ed’s reaction to his suggestion. “Well...there  _ could _ be a next time.”

Seconds passed, and it felt like an eternity as Oswald waited for Ed’s response. “There could?”

Oswald had to contain the small spark of hope in his chest, he avoided having his true feelings revealed so far, he just had to keep a casual tone. “I mean, why not?”

“B-Because we don’t need to? I know what it’s like now.”

Oswald couldn’t help but laugh, Ed’s reasoning made no sense, but then again, neither did Oswald’s. “And? You also know that you enjoy it so...we could do it again...if you want.”

Ed turned his head. “Just because I want to, doesn’t mean I should. I feel like it would be cheating at that point.”

Ignoring that concern over Isabella, Oswald focused on the fact that Ed said he ‘wanted to’; and Oswald would say anything to hold onto that thought. “Like I said before, it’s just a ‘friends with benefits’ thing. It’s no different than when we shake hands. Just...friends being intimate.”

Ed was quiet again. “Hm...there are friends who greet each other with a kiss, so it’s not that far off.”

“Uh, yeah. Kinda like that.”

“And...you’re sure it’s okay with you?”

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! “I don’t mind.”

“Alright then. Maybe we’ll find ourselves back here in the future.”

“Sure!” Calm down, it’s just a maybe. “I mean, it’s whatever...” Oswald awkwardly punched Ed’s arm, “pal.”

Ed chuckled and copied him. “Sounds good, pal.”

Then Ed stood up and gathered his things. “Alright, I better get to bed, we’ve got a full schedule tomorrow.” He stopped at the door. “And thanks again Oswald, glad to have this experience.”

“Oh yes, you’re welcome, no problem, just homies helping homies.” He shot some finger guns until Ed closed the door. Then he slapped both hands over his face and groaned. “What the  **fuck** is wrong with me?”

* * *

If Oswald remembered anything about the next day, it would be a miracle. Through all of his mayoral duties, he was screaming internally, trying to act normal around Ed. Meanwhile, Ed seemed perfectly fine. Oswald did it to himself really, he’d made things too casual. He shouldn’t have had sex with Ed, he should’ve just waited for Isabelle to blow over, and now he was paying the price.

Oswald’s suffering was only made worse as time went on. He hadn’t honestly expected Ed to come back to him, but there were occasional... _ several _ nights where they ended up in bed together. It almost became part of their routine, at last once every three days. It was wonderful torture.

Oswald would hope and hope that one time Ed would actually stay with him, but apparently  _ that _ was crossing a line. Ed was still with Isabella after all, and Oswald was just a friend. He still had to hear about every cute date, and how much they loved each other.

It couldn’t be true though, at least that’s what Oswald kept telling himself. If Ed really loved Isabelle, he wouldn’t be having sex with Oswald. Sure Oswald had made it sound like no big deal, but Ed was supposed to be smart! Even being socially awkward, Ed should know that most  _ friends _ didn’t sleep with each other just because!

Oswald only had two hopes of escaping this liminal space: one, Ed finally came to his senses, or...Isabella would somehow find out. Both options had their pros and cons, and could result in Ed either getting with Oswald or avoiding him forever. However, as much as he wanted this friend zone awkwardness to end, he wasn’t prepared to hear what Ed had to say one night.

They were sitting on the couch, now becoming an infamous spot, and then Ed just dropped a bomb. “Oh! And there was another thing Isabella and I talked about tonight. You won’t believe it, but she brought up...uh...sex life stuff, and...said she’s willing to try new things because if it’s important enough to me that I go to you, then she-”

Oswald held up his hand. “W-W-W-W-Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. S-She...she  **knows** about...uh...about…” Unable to speak, Oswald gestured between them.

Ed nodded. “Yeah. I uh, I told her before the second time.”

Oswald’s jaw dropped, but Ed was quick to reassure him, or at least try to. “It’s okay though! She’s very cool about it. Well, at first she was kind of upset, but I told her everything you told me about it, and then she was fine.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck… Oswald continued to stare wide-eyed. He didn’t know much about Isabella, only interacting a few times, but he knew she wasn’t as dumb as Ed. She  _ knew _ . She  _ knew _ Oswald loved Ed, so there was no way she bought any of that ‘just friends’ bullshit.

Yet...she hadn’t ratted on him. She hadn’t called Oswald out, even when she was upset. And that... **_that_ ** terrified him. So, why not? What would she get from letting Ed have sex with him? Blackmail? Although that didn’t seem like her style. Or was it as simple as loving Ed no matter who or what he did? Hm, no. It also didn’t seem like her style to share, so regardless of her telling Ed everything was ‘cool’...it wasn’t.

“Oswald?”

“Huh?” Ed’s voice snapped him out of his spiraling theories.

“You, you’ve been staring for awhile. Are you alright?”

Oswald rubbed his palms into his eyes. “Mm...mmhm, I’m alright. Just, let me know if I have this right. You told Isabella that we were having sex, she said she was ‘fine with it’, and...and now she’s offering to try things to make it stop?”

Ed blinked a few times. “Um, I guess. Although it’s not because she wants it to stop necessarily, it’s more because she’d rather I go to her with all my problems instead of someone else. Like I said, she doesn’t really care about what we do, she just wants me to be happy.”

“Uh huh.” Oswald steepled his fingers. “And, and you? Are you going to...take her offer?”

Ed shrugged. “I’m not sure yet. I’m fine with the ways things are, and I don’t want her to do something she’s not comfortable with just for me. Which I told her, and that no matter what she’s still my girlfriend and I love her exactly as she is.”

“Oh. Interesting.”

Things were quiet again, and then Ed turned to Oswald and asked. “What do you think I should do?”

Break up with her immediately, clearly she’s up to something. “I think you should do whatever you want. If what Isabella said is  **true** , then she’ll be fine with either option.”

“Hm…” Ed pressed his lips together, “it’d be easier for you though, right?”

“What would?”

“If I...went with Isabella’s idea.” He chuckled. “You’d have a lot more free nights.”

“I-I suppose, but...but it doesn’t matter to me. Like Isabella, all I want is…”  _ you. _ Oswald looked into Ed’s eyes. “For you to be happy.”

Ed smiled. “Thanks Oswald. I’ll have to think about it more, this whole situation is… I just need to sleep on it.” He stood up. “Goodnight Oswald.”

“G-Goodnight Edward.” Oswald remained on the couch for a while longer, watching the fire, and then he too went off to bed.

* * *

The next evening, Oswald was alone with his thoughts. Ed was out with Isabella, per usual, but Oswald couldn’t stop thinking about last night’s discussion. It was true that he wanted Ed to be happy, but he wanted it to be with  _ him _ . Sure, if Ed took Isabelle’s offer the relationship would probably crumble later, but Oswald didn’t know if he had the patience any more. Even if it hadn’t been completely  **real** , Oswald had  _ had _ Ed, and beyond the sex, they had started spending more time together in general; and he didn’t want to give up those tiny moments of joy.

There was a storm brewing, Oswald knew that much. There was also a literal storm brewing as light drizzle against the bedroom windows became heavy raindrops highlighted by lighting. He picked up his cane and walked into the hallway, maybe he’d go down and have a drink. Eventually, eventually he’d have to square off with Isabelle-bella because there was no way he could give up Ed without a fight. He just didn’t expect it to be so soon.

Just as he reached the stairs, the front door was flung open and two figures came stumbling in. Ed stopped holding his coat above their heads to reveal Isabella’s stupid face. Oswald was frozen in place. He watched them giggle and whisper as they closed the doors behind them. Oswald snapped out of his shock and started back to his room. He was  _ not _ getting invol-

“Oh hey Oswald!” Goddammit Ed.

Oswald continued his walk downstairs with a smile. “Oh. Hello...to both of you.”

“You don’t mind if Isabella hangs around for a while, do you? We were just walking up the driveway and got  _ ambushed _ by this downpour.”

Let the bitch drown. “Of  **course** not!” Then he finally looked at Isabella. “Please, stay as long as you need. Or if you’d just like to borrow an umbrella to get back to your car, that’s fine.”

She smiled politely. “I’ll stay. I’m afraid an umbrella wouldn’t do much good. It’s really pouring out there, and you have such a long driveway Mr. Cobblepot; probably as compensation.”

Oswald’s face stayed the same, but the grip on his cane tightened. “Nothing of the sort. After all, you know what they say about men with long driveways.”

He let out a biting laugh, and Isabella did the same. Ed looked between them. “What-”

Isabella took his arm. “Ed dear, is there someplace warmer we can go? This whole entryway is,” she glanced at Oswald, “old and drafty. Ah, I mean  _ cold _ and drafty.”

Oswald was ready to pull out his hidden dagger before Ed started walking further into the house. “Certainly, there’s a room with a nice fireplace nearby.”

No...no, Ed took her into the sitting room,  _ their  _ sitting room. Oswald hobbled after them to find Isabella sitting on the couch,  _ their  _ couch. To make matters even worse, she was sitting right in  _ his _ spot. Oswald stood in the doorway awkwardly, thinking he should stay, but he didn’t want to leave Ed alone with this snake.

After Ed finished making the fire, and then he noticed Oswald. “Oh, Oswald, do you want to join us?”

He definitely didn’t  _ want _ to, but his mind was made up when he saw Isabelle’s sour expression. “Well...only if you two wouldn’t mind.”

Isabella’s frown deepened, but Ed’s smile only brightened. “Not at all!”

Oswald plopped down in an armchair with a smug grin. But then Ed sat down next to Isabella, and she immediately leaned against him. Ed rubbed her arms.

“There, much cozier isn’t it?”

Isabella kissed his cheek. “Mmhm, thanks sweetie.”

Ed kissed her forehead, and then he settled in with a sigh. The room was quiet after that, as everyone just looked around and at each other. Oswald tapped his fingers against the arms of his chair. Isabella would sometimes pop her lips or watch the fire. After a few moments of this, Ed turned to Oswald.

“So, how has your day been?”

“Oh, you know...fine. I mean you were there for most of it. Otherwise, it’s been pretty quiet until you showed up.” He made a point of making eye contact with Isabella.

She popped her lips one more time. “It’s nice that you could have some quiet time  _ all alone _ .”

“Well, I prefer being alone compared to being in the company of  **some** people.”

Ed seemed unaware of any tension. “Oh that’s so true. There was another couple sitting next to us, and I could not  **wait** until they left.

Isabella nodded. “They were arguing so loud. Thankfully it was only a few minutes, and then we could get back to  _ our _ date, which was much more romantic.”

They looked into each other’s eyes, and Oswald crossed his arms. Again, everything became uneasily quiet. And again, Ed was the one to break the silence. “Is Olga around?”

Oswald lifted his head. “Hm? Uh, no, I gave her the night off.”

“Alright, that’s okay.” Ed stood up. “I was thinking about making some tea, if anyone else was interested.”

Oswald and Isabella both nodded and mumbled. “Oh, sure, yeah that’d be nice.”

As soon as Ed was out of the room, Oswald and Isabella glared at each other. They stared silently for a while, and then she leaned forward. “So.”

He copied her. “So.”

She put on that fake ass smile again. "I know we have our... differences, but I do appreciate you being such a good  **_friend_ ** to my Eddie. I'm  _ sooo _ glad you've been there for him, and trying to...help with any whims."

“You’re welcome, but really,” Oswald smiled back, “pleasure's all  **mine** ."

Isabella clenched her teeth. "Yes, well...I don't think you'll need to do any more  _ helping _ in the future.”

“No?” Oswald leaned forward. “I thought you were ‘fine’ with me fucking your boyfriend?”

Her smile fell to a glower. “Look, we’re all on the same page here so can we-”

“Same page?” Oswald scoffed. “Honey, being a librarian, you should know we’re not even reading the same damn book.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right.  _ Yours _ is a fantasy while  _ mine _ is non-fiction.”

“You think I’m the one caught in a fantasy? You’re playing dress-up everyday.” He gestured to her Kristen costume.

Isabella stood up. “You might be Ed’s side piece, but he loves  **_me_ ** ! And he’s going to stay with  **_me_ ** . No matter what it takes, I will cut you out of our lives.”

Oswald also got to his feet. “You want to talk about cutting people out?” Then he casually lifted the handle of his cane to show his hidden blade.

Isabella didn’t seem affected. Instead, she kept her eyes on him as she pulled a brush out of her bag and revealed her own secret knife. They both looked at each other, and then they slowly smiled.

Isabella leaned in. “You’re not going to win this. You can’t stop true love.”

“Funny, I was going to say the same thing to you.”

She scowled. “Ed will never love you. You’re just a pathetic whore.”

“Well I’d rather be a whore than a second-rate copycat.”

The tension was suffocating for a moment, and then Isabella lunged at him. Oswald was caught off-guard; he never expected she’d actually try anything, but he managed to dodge her knife. He made a jab for her side, but she took a step back.

She picked a statue up from the table and threw it at him. He ducked and then jumped at her. They fell onto the sofa, but then she rolled them both onto the floor. She tried stabbing downward, but Oswald caught her wrist. He thrust up, but she caught his arm. They grappled and fought against the other until they heard Edward’s gasp.

“What the hell is going on here?” He held a tea tray in the doorway.

Isabella and Oswald froze, and looked between each other. “Uh…”

Oswald spoke up. “We’re, uh, practicing self-defense!”

Isabella gave him a weird look, but then started to help him up. “T-That’s right! Things are so dangerous recently we-we thought it would be useful.”

Ed cautiously set the tray on the table. “Odd choice, but…” his eyes widened, “are those  _ knives _ ?”

Oswald and Isabella hid their weapons. Oswald shrugged. “Uh, only trying to be realistic. It’s Gotham after all.”

Then Isabella walked over to rub Ed’s arm. “Don’t worry dear, everything’s alright.”

He sighed and held her shoulders. “That’s good to know. I’m glad you two are engaging, but really, right in the living- Good God, Oswald!”

Ed pushed Isabella aside to grab Oswald’s hand. “You’re bleeding!”

Oswald hadn’t even noticed, but there was a red line on his palm. He still didn’t feel any pain though because he could only focus on Ed’s tender gaze and touch. The moment was cut short by Isabella.

“Oh my gosh, so am I!”

Ed turned around to look at the cut on her arm. “Oh no! See, this is why no one should be fighting in the house, practice or not.”

Oswald could’ve sworn he never hurt her, but he still didn’t feel guilty as he put his knife away. Right before he sheathed it, he noticed something wrong. There wasn’t any blood on it, but looking over at Isabella’s, he saw red on both sides of the blade. He pointed at the evidence.

“She cut herself! My knife is clean!”

Ed looked at both blades, but before he could say anything, Isabella stepped up to Oswald’s face. “Why on earth would I cut  _ myself _ ?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you’re crazy?”

“Crazy? You think  _ I’m _ the crazy one? You’re the desperate-”

Ed got between them. “Stop it, stop it both of you! What’s going on here? Where is all this hostility coming from?”

Isabella and Oswald glared at each other. Then Isabella crossed her arms. “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

Ed looked at Oswald with big, curious, eyes. “Tell me what?”

Oswald glanced between Ed and Isabella. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. This was almost worse than his accidental confession. With cheeks burning, he met Ed’s eyes.

“I love you.”

Ed just blinked. “And? I love you too, I don’t see how that’s a problem.”

Oswald’s jaw dropped. Isabella threw down her hands. “You  **_what_ ** ?”

Ed turned to her. “He’s my best friend Isabella, of course I love him.”

Both Oswald and Isabella groaned. Oswald shook his head and mumbled. “Self-proclaimed genius…”

Ed was still confused. “What?”

Isabella slapped her forehead. “He’s  _ in  _ love with you, you idiot! I swear, you’re-”

She was drowned out by Ed’s gasp as he whipped back to Oswald. “ **_What_ ** ?”

Oswald sighed. “It’s true. I  _ love _ love you Ed.  _ You’re _ what we were fighting over.”

“W-Wait, wait…but what about all that ‘friends with benefits’ stuff, and ‘no emotions involved’?”

“I’m sorry Ed, there  _ were _ feelings involved. Quite a lot actually.”

Ed stayed focused on Oswald. “I was worried about that…”

Oswald’s heart sank. He couldn’t believe he was losing Ed like this. Before he could choke anything out, Ed spoke again. “I thought it was just me.”

Oswald looked up. “What?”

“I...I had feelings for you too, but you were talking so casually I...I thought maybe I was confused.”

“That was never my intention!” Oswald grabbed Ed’s hand. “I-I wanted to tell you, but-”

Isabella stepped in. “But instead you  **lied** to him. You  **tricked** him into cheating on me!”

Ed started to raise his hand, trying to calm her down, but she leapt at Oswald again. “You boyfriend stealing-”

Oswald, now unhindered by niceties for Ed’s sake, punched her and they rolled around on the floor. She scratched at his face with her nails, and he pulled on her ponytail. Ed tried pulling him off, but Oswald shrugged him off. Isabella took advantage of the moment and hit Oswald’s gut before flipping them over again.

However, before she could hit him again, their heated fight was ended by the spilling of slightly hotter tea. Oswald shoved Isabella off of him and turned his residual anger at Ed.

“What the hell were you thinking? You could’ve burned my face off!”

He held the teapot close. “Please, it wasn’t  _ scalding _ .”

“It was  **uncomfortably warm** then!”

“Well it got you two to stop didn’t it?”

Oswald huffed, and then shot a look at Isabella. Then he shot another one when he realized she hadn’t moved since getting drenched. “Uh...Ed? Are you sure it wasn’t scalding?”

“Yes I’m sure, I wouldn’t have been able to hold onto it if…” Finally he saw her too. “Isabella! Isabella are you okay?”

He knelt by her side and pulled her into her lap. Her eyes were wide open, but they’d occasionally twitch, just like the rest of her. Ed pressed his fingers against her neck, feeling for a pulse.

“She...she doesn’t have a heartbeat. Oswald, she doesn’t have a heartbeat!”

Oswald crawled over and took a closer look. “Is...Is her  _ hair sparking _ ?”

He pointed where she usually parted her hair, and among the red locks were red sparks. Some of the hair was singed, so Ed shared a look with Oswald before brushing some of it away to reveal a...crack. Ed picked at it with his nail and then a square of Isabella’s head popped open to show a fried circuit board.

It was probably inappropriate, but Oswald started laughing. “I guess we know why she didn’t like rain!”

Ed just stared at the glitching machine. “My...my girlfriend was a robot.”

“Ed…” Oswald put a hand on his shoulder, “she was  _ made _ for you.”

“Are...are you making a  _ joke _ ?”

“What? Too soon?”

“You think? I killed another Kringle!”

“Well let’s just hope that’s a girlfriend pattern and not a boyfriend pattern.” Oswald pointed to himself.

“You’re not taking this seriously!”

“What do you want me to say? She just tried to kill me, and she was clearly created to destroy you or us, personally I’m feeling pretty good about this.”

Ed looked at the robot. “That’s true...”

Oswald stood up. “So how about this: you, me, a couple shovels, and we have our first date in the backyard?”

Ed raised an eyebrow. “Are you suggesting that our first date should be burying the body of my recently discovered robot ex-girlfriend?”

Oswald glanced to the side and opened his mouth, then closed, and opened it again. “Yes. I mean, what better way to start a relationship than burying the past?”

After a moment, Ed smiled and stood up. “There’s the man I fell in love with.”

Oswald smiled back. “Oh stop, you.”

Ed cupped Oswald’s cheek and kissed him softly. “However, as tempting as your date idea is...I’d like to do some tinkering before we bury her. Someone put Isabelle in my path and I might be able to find some clues.”

“Wait, don’t you mean Isabell- **_a_ ** ?”

“I’ve been hit with the realization that the entire relationship was a well crafted lie to keep me from you...I don’t really care about her name anymore.” He pulled Oswald even closer. “From now on, I’m going to care about what really matters.”

Oswald blushed, and then Ed continued. “Revenge. We’re going to find who did this and torture them slowly.”

“Oh Ed!” Oswald threw his arms around Ed and kissed him. “That’s the most romantic thing I can think of!”

“I love you Oswald, I’m sorry that all this got in the way.”

“I love you too Ed, I only wish I told you sooner.”

They smiled at each other and then kissed one more time before turning off the lights and leaving the messy room. That was a problem for tomorrow. A problem they would take care of together.


End file.
